To break it down simply, I love like I hate. I'll love something till the day I am no longer to draw breathe. The female who has taken the last of what I desire most is far away now. I had to leave her because of a jealous little boy's incompetence to understand that people are out there that are strangers and are willing to help out another stranger. What's worse, is not only that but a promise was broken due to love. I won't name names but the little boys lover basically was given an ultimatum... I leave, or she ends up alone.
I guess love does conquer all... even a promise. The move back to Virginia has nearly cost me my pitiful excuse and only means of getting back on my feet from the last time I was royally fucked over; not to mention an attempt on my life. Christ my life is a damn soap opera ON A SOAP BOX. What the hell did I do to deserve this? The only explanation I can think of is, I CARE. Since I care it has come with a price that many will now see. They will see the consequences for the naivete and lack of standing up and fighting for what is right for not only them, but for others. I can no longer care for others as I have, I'm stretched too thin, to deeply torn and wounded. For the first time I need to step back and steady myself. Me... the person who thought I could take on the world through perseverance.
The female who I love more then my own success and safety still holds the last of my heart and soul. I know deep down as well that I hold apart of hers. After all, holding her as she weeps quietly while trying so hard not to shake as she tries to deal with the fact that the very male who has nothing, who previously gave up all that he knew and was sent back as a piece of paper to a town and family that no longer wanted or accepted him as their own, was once again leaving.
This time more broken then ever.
I do admit... there are a few people who are safe from what is going to happen, though the total tally of people can be counted on one hand.
I will always love this female, but she is the last. I can no longer give so much anymore. I'm not a god.. well.. only in bed. This female has such a hold over me. A hold that no other has ever been able to obtain because I would never give that to them, not even if I loved them. Yet, I gave this freely to her.
The only explanation I can say on why I would knowingly give the last of what's inside of me to her... knowing that if it was broken it would drive me to a fate I never wish go to, or worse, a deed that never takes place in my mind but could very well result is simply...
... She fills the emptiness that I have always known...
A simple touch from her gives me so much strength. I can achieve that same strength on my own but it takes far more time to muster then it does when I feel her skin against mine. Her voice as well makes me relax and want to close my eyes and actually let go of any defenses I hold like a dam opening up releasing the waters it holds back. Her lips... god they are so indescribable with the English language. I'd need to learn all the languages in the world and still fall short to express the feeling I get when I feel hers against mine. The only way I can let it known is by using her words...
"God I feel like I'm in heaven when you kiss me..."
That isn't the top reason either. That reason is more to me then anyone will see. It's her eyes. When she would look at me with her hand on my cheek and her face close to mine.. she would look at me as if she was trying to see into my soul. Trying to see how I see and I would feel the love from her eyes. She is the one and only person to let me release all my hate. The very thing that drives me in my life. Her eyes would drain me of everything negative and allow me to lower my shoulders and exhale slowly as if I was listening to a muse sing a lullaby, loosing myself in a entrancing beat.
I miss this woman so much and I willingly gave up the last of what holds me. I have not and will not give up on seeing her again; unless she says so. She will be the only female that can boast that she is able to control a part of me that no one will ever be able to.
I will end this with a statement that will be considered asinine but I know it is not. Why I can say this is because I've seen how people are and am disgusted with it. I'm not entirely like the rest. Yes, not everyone is different since we are all equal in ways. Where I differ, however, is in how I love and hate.
I know... NO ONE will love her as fiercely as I do. This I promise....
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